Well, oh well, it's been a week since my last blog. Maybe longer. Who knows. Who's keeping count? According to my friend at lunch today: alot of you are.
I have one thing to say to you all: thank you.
This last week was kind of a brainf--k for me. I know that sounds harsh, but it was.
It was taxing to finally talk about my artistic endeavours with other "creative types", per se, and feel very neglected by the art community and by so-called "professionals".
I actually found it quite annoying that people from whom I'm seeking advice loved the idea of "Flawless", but either a) couldn't believe I was bringing it to Pueblo, b) wanted more control, c) exercised more ego and signed with a giant breath full of angst and doubt and anticipated scheduling conflicts.
For that reason, I feel as though I do not want to continue in the progress of making "Flawless" a giant art installation as I planned. Maybe more portfolio work between me and the photographer because some of the comments I heard were so stifling to my creative mantra, that I had no other feeling except desperation to go home and go back to bed, hoping I'd wake to more positive feedback.
As the weeks have gone by, I posted "Shampoo Boy by J Ry" and notes about "Flawless" and was told I take myself 'too seriously'. (See 5.05)
At this point, I have to reverb on my own advice and put a stop to even wanting to continue airing out my projects.
Was it too much too soon?
Was it not expected that I'd follow through?
I'm quite angry actually.
----I remember being a young young young young little boy in a small house, with my poor grandmother and my mum and dad who were building their business and telling me how hard they had to work.
I remember waking up in the morning and eating a fried egg and sipping orange juice or watered-out coffee my Guela made me and going to school and being a very Mediterrenean baby walking around alot of children that did not look like me or act like me or have my ambition.
I remember weekends at my Guela's and feeling a sense of warmth like I was THE most special child in the world. I grew up in a small house, in a poor neighbourhood on the weekends with her and sometimes during the week eating fried semolina pasta with tomatoe-based sauces and being sent off to learn a song or perfect a drawing or read a book. Not children's books though, books about angels and metaphysical things.
As I grew up and matured, I tried my hardest to be the best at what I did. Whether it was singing, dancing, acting, drawing, talking about writing short stories and magazine articles in W and Interview or talking about a film-crew following me as I took on world to create a pop record or salon empire. Those were my dreams and no one made me feel like I was 'too serious' or expected too much.
As we know, I grew up not be a pop star in Europe, but to become a force in my industry.
I found out along the way that people are envious and that when you work with envious people: the project dies. It fails to breathe in creative air.
One hint I had that this grew with me as an adult was always giving ideas at my last business ad when I would throw out a brilliant marketing idea, people would tell me, "that's too big! That's stupid. It's too serious!"
and we'd go through and do it and it was in-fact a million dollar idea.
However, the million or thousands or even a baby hundred, never made it to my pocket.
You know why?
I was working with envious people that wanted my creativity as theirs.
I was told "no" and then praised when the idea hit.
As I've interviewed people for "Flawless", only one has impressed me in his professionalism and the one I was counting on seemed so condescending like people of my early days telling me "no", making money and taking credit and bashing me and trying to contain me.
So tonight, I came home, sat up, meditated on my meditations from last night and have decided to make "Flawless" a MUCH smaller project.
I made some fried semolina pasta and a friend egg and watered-out coffee and thought about my hard-working parents, my poor grandmother and my upbringing and all those people that loved me AFTER I garnered them recognition.
My roots will always bind me and restrain me, but I feel like, it's needed this time.
I simply do not trust anyone with my "Flawless" exhibition at this time in terms of MASS photos and art installation.
I do however, want to continue with my portfolio intimately with one photographer.
It's not who I thought and the project is not where I want it to go, but I think scaling it down will be much better.
Not only do I NOT have to hear people tell me I'm "taking it too serious" or "too far"
I don't even have to share until it's time for show and tell.
So, with my last spoonful of pasta and half a cup of coffee later... I am officially announcing that "Flawless" will be smaller and more intimate.
All my love,