It's a bit after 12:30 am and I'm sitting here at the dining room table at my parents home after returning from the gym. I'm sipping on a mixture of Fiji water and a detox supplement containing senna, rubbarb and cascara sagrada and various sea algaes. Serious. No kidding.
Today was my beautiful mum's birthday. I can honestly tell you that that was the highest point of my day, in all reality. My downer of a day started with a flooding of rescheduled appointments, cancellations and alot of dissapointment from my friends and those close to me at this time in my life.
I do not like to be a downer, but man oh man, sometimes even positive people with lots of energy have moments, you know?
All day has bothered me. My overall health has bothered me. My company I keep has bothered me.
I felt that this summer was a good time to detoxify my life and my body, all the way from leaving my big salon, to leaving tons of people or waiting to see who would eventually leave me. Today, was a very very hard reality check. It's as if all my predictions came true in one day and I even found myself posting, "I'm at the verge of tears (Serious)" on my Facebook account for all to see. Why would I open myself up to this vulnerability and secondly, does it scare off the people I'm trying to ward off or does it scare the innocent lambs that merely check my page for recreation?
Not my goal.
I don't want to scare anyone away, but man, it's been a day.
As I detoxify my body from alcohol, caffiene, diet supplements, the occasional cig, meat and most dairy this next few days, it gives me a chance to really ask myself if I meant what I said when I said, "I'm removing all the toxic people in my life."
Time to get real with myself, I would say.
The ones who love me and want to stick by me will. The ones tired of me are, well, tired.
It's been such a day that my post after re-reading it numerous times actually prevented me from crying. Later on tonight, as my mum and I went out for movie, I cried in the movie. As much as I wanted to plain a hormone inbalance (ha ha), I kept crying. I put my glasses on and as my mum glanced over, I knew she knew it wasn't the movie. I looked over at her and nudged her and told her, "I'm just a f--king baby. Ignore me."
I stayed quiet and left the movie with sunglasses on as we went to Starbucks for a little reality check.
"Pull yourself together, Josh!" is all I could think.
By coincidence, for those of you that really know me well or have taken the time to notice, I have been a student of The Kabbalah Centre for the last eight years. This time of the year is a very very negative time of the year for a period of three weeks resulting in the most negative day of the year called "Tisha Bav". It is the day the temple was destroyed in Israel centuries ago. It is a time of mourning, and in many cases after a time of renewel. The three weeks leading to Tisha Bav only get worse.. so, as Tisha Bav is only 1 week away, and we are in the third and last week, I think to myself, "Wow, what a powerful detox!"
Three weeks of b.s. man!
It all hit me today. The guests that will NEVER return, the change in my relationship with a few people in my personal life, the change in my familiar relations with my close family, the physical change my body is going through as I approach a birthday next month, the restructuring of my brand, my business and clientelle, my business model, etc.
Yeah, a detox doesn't hurt. We have to feel some pain in the end of an old lifestyle to look forward to a new beginning and after one-month of amazing business, I can only tell you, a few cancellations does hurt me and hurts my feelings. But as my Rabbi, Yehuda tells, it's only destroying my ego, not my reputation.
We have to get past the ego to actually see who we really are and after a good cry, a work out and a blog, I see I'm where I need to be and have a harsh reality check to get humble and give thanks for all I have.
So, for those of you that sent me kind words today, thank you.
For those of you uninterested and ready to "Detox" me out of your life, I wish you well.
Shavua tov (have a good week in Hebrew)