It's about 11:30 pm on Monday night. Tonight and all the way into tomorrow at Sundown is Tisha B'av, the most negative day of the calendar year. It's not that bad things happen this day, it's that there's such a tremendous amount of energy released this day that we as humans do not know how to accept it, so in place of being happy, we mourn or we become humble and quiet on this day. It's not meant to be a bad day, as much as it's a way to "re-awaken" the senses.
I can tell you, I've been re-awakened tons! As much as I feel the amazing spot I'm in in my life, I can honestly tell you, I have a hard time expressing momentous joy. I do tend to slip into myself and not care about publicly expressing happiness. I'm very gray. Not black, not white. Sometimes being gray pisses people off and that's entirely okay.
This weekend, I celebrated my good friend Andrew's birthday in Denver. He had a blast! There was even an Adam Lambert siting at the club Saturday night. As I sat outside and spoke with numerous people in Denver, I was greeted by some and shunned by many others. People who have "friend"ed me online acted as if they did not want to actually meet me and others literally felt so organic to talk to.
Andrew and I were seperate for about 50% of the evening, but I was happy as long as he was enjoying himself.
All through the summer, I have a LONG string of birthdays to celebrate, Panda is in June, Jaxton is in June, my mum is in July, Andrew is in July and my birthday is in August! I'm excited to make plans. September is also the month my bestie Nasia calls birthday month. This has been a rather melancholy summer for most of my friends, alot of anxiety, alot of soul searching involved.
I've had alot of solo time and seen alot of parallells and polar changes in some of my relationships. I've seen my online base really nurture me and ask me how I am and my salon lambs take note and send me new referrels and send me notes and items telling me they're proud of me and they wish me well. I've had a shit-load of ignored phone calls and texts as well. Not just from clientele, but from people who have been amazing in my life.
So, as Tisha B'av, sets in and I examine my "rebirth" after this three week period of disgruntlement (I know, it's not a word), I ask myself, "who cares for me unconditionally as I care for them?"
My rabbi told me to "care without boundaries" in times of uncertainty, and I do. I have also fallen victim to some very aggressive online postings about me and directly e-mailed to me. And truly, it's okay.
My advice to you, my friends, is to "care without boundaries". Don't EVER give up on someone or something. If you feel like giving up, it wasn't worth it, it you are in tears because that ONE person does not answer his or her phone, keep dialing, they'll pick up, I promise. Deep down, they know you care. They may be in a shitty spot in life right now.
As much as I love my friends, I know I've been "ignored" numerous times. I pray that all goes back to normal soon and they both understand I will never give up on either and that my love is as unconditional for them as it should be for a spouse, a lover, or child (that's deep.)
And to my salon lambs, thank you for reflecing that care and love back to me.
And to Andrew, thank you for giving me one kick-ass weekend with your company and I hope you saw how much I care for you this year by enjoying your birthday weekend with you.
Shavua tov, lambs.
Remember to "care without boundaries"
PS: if this was too deep or too Kabbalah-y for you, I apologize, it was needed. I love you all. xoxo. Dedicated to Panda and Nasia and a big warm cyber hug to Andrew and my salon lambs and all my Headliners I miss, but have let go.