Wednesday, July 14, 2010

2.09 - A story about being ignored and divorced..

Hello lambs,

I hope you're all doing well. It's been a rather melancholy week for me thus far and I've heard it's been the same for many many others. I've gotten a slew of amazing e-mails, texts and messages from you and appreciate it. Thank you for making me feel like I matter.

This week has been a bit distasteful. In terms of friendships, I can't get one f--king person I want to answer the phone or return messages promptly. It's been aggravating and it's wearing me down. I'm defenitely a people person and love talking to my best friends about what's going on and to be honest, I feel very ignored.

Tonight, especially.

As much as I like to count the plus signs in my life and try to avoid the minuses, each time one of my good friends or good clients does not reply to a messages or "ignores" me on their cell phone, it hurts me.

I'm sipping coffee as I type this and just finished smoking a couple cigarettes. Is it something I do often? No. Is it something I enjoy? Sometimes.

When do I smoke?

When I'm stressed.

I'm 100% stressed the f--k out tonight.

My amazing friend Andrew came to see me today and I adore him with all my heart. He kindly told me to "stop it."

My good boy, Andrew. He has gotten to know all my little habits. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it tears my friends apart. It aggravates them too.

I had a very good meeting with my advertising rep today and we have a HUGE offer coming up in August to the mainstream public! I'm excited for that. This week has been a slow week for me and I'm not used to that. I have always always always been busy. This morning I was woken by a phone call from a client: one of my favourites, mind you.

I didn't take the call because I was still groggy (it was early). So I "ignored" it and it went to voicemail. As I got out of the shower this morning and checked messages before leaving the house, she left me a message telling me, "I'm sorry, but I cannot go to you anymore. I think you're the absolute best, I'm sorry. "

I sent out messages to clients that rescheduled and didn't show and haven't got ONE text or call back from a list of clients I considered amazing and to be honest, it hurts to not have them on my books.

I knew I would lose clients when I decided to transition, but the transition hurts. For every new clients I've gained, I've gained an amazing relationship, but when people decide to leave with no explanation and even leave me a message, but have no real reason, it makes me feel the emptiness of that message on the inside.

I haven't spoken to Panda like I normally do in a few days or Nasia and it's killing me inside. Have they left me too? Am I paranoid?

Yeah, kinda.

I feel like the world is hitting "ignore" to Josh this week and like that void inside me is growing. I can feel the bitterness welling up in my eyes a I type this and for the sake of one person, in particular, I have to thank Andrew for making me feel special.

This weekend is Andrew's birthday, you see, and I'm off to dance my ass off in Denver. It's amazing that we're gonna party together and share his birthday, but man, it's been a lonely little ride this last week.

What happened?

Why are so many divorcing me when I've done so much for many of them?

I defenitely take things hard and am probably over-reacting, but it's a time that makes me wonder if people are slowly drifting away from me..

All I can tell you, is, Saturday can't come soon enough.

Secondly and most importantly, Andrew, let's rock your birthday, baby! It's gonna be amazing! You're the only one making me not feel ingored right now.


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