Sunday, May 23, 2010

1.11 - A story about hate and acceptance.

Greeting lambs!

It's almost 1 am on Monday morning and I just realized I totally forgot to blog mid-week. This week was another incredibly busy week for the talents of yours truly as well as many happening between my friends and I and another week of making us aware, well, making ME aware of my treatement of others and how I act and what adjustments I need to make to better evolve into the person I want to be one day.

So, this last week, I definitely, had a moment of learning when to shut the eff up. Truly. I was incredibly tired and shut down when I was talking to Panda. I made his so angry, we barely talked all night and went our separate ways. The next morning, we talked like normal and I enjoyed lunch with a Rockstar client of mine and her entourage that included two amazing friends and her incredible daughter.

I haven't had so much fun being "Josh" recently, but Brandy totally reactivated why I love people and why I love people with integrity, sincerity and compassion in their hearts.

That evening as I settled in at my famliy's home and took a break from being downtown Josh in home #3 (more on that in later blogs), I recieved a call from my friend Andrew, he wanted to go out, but much later. I was totally down for that and figured that my mood swings around Panda are maybe tested by the fact that I spread myself too thin. So, the change in company was something I thought about for a minute, but after a wonderful sushi dinner with my family, I cam home and began to get ready for the evening with Andrew.

As I got essembled, Panda called me.

"Are you coming over tonight?"

"No" I replied.

He was dissapointed, I could tell. He had already called me during dinner and I took his phone call and was super happy to hear from him. As I listened to his phone call and began to speak, he said, "Josh...please."

Please, what? I thought.

"Please just listen..."

The next twenty-five minutes were a wonderful praising of who I am as a person and why he values me. He also stressed the fact that there is a BUT.... in most sentences.

And what does BUT mean?

(it's some trivia from some of you, I'm sure)

BUT signifies room for improvement.

Yes. I need to improve. Truly.

Ego has got to go! For sure. My way of talking to people needs to improve. I agree. I am a brilliant artist and designer behind the chair with a fierce personality, but sometimes it takes me overboard, that's totally, not cool.

That evening I went out with Andrew, alot of bad things happened. I valued my time with Andrew, but the vibe was different at the bar. Alot of staring, alot of remarks, alot of leud comments about my sexuality and my friends was made and alot of pointing and rudeness overall.

As I edit this in my brain now, I realize, there's so much I can't tell the general public about that evening except for the following: hate is vicious.

Hate is evil.
Hate is unnecessary.

The only way you will get the Heaven, my dear friends is through acceptance and the people talking about me and the attempted physical attack on me on Thursday night freaked me out because of the following: 1) I was not drunk, 2) I was pointed out in a crowd, 3) I need to accept others.

I know that's vague, my friends, but let me just say, I learned to love my Panda and Andrew more that night for sticking up for me. After all, I am a bit of a bitch and rather snobby, that has to change moreso because I wish to be a person in the position of power in the near future and my credibility cannot be waivered.

I was the target of gay bashing for not only mixing with gay friends, but for thinking I could bring my life into the open, only to realize: now is not the time.

The sad part: that afternoon I was planning Panda's birthday party and right now, I do not want to make myself noticed to the public nor hurt our relationship as friends and business associates. So, I decided to veto public appearances and have reserved the right to a VIP, non-disclosed birthday fete for him a few days after his birthday.

I'm not happy that I had to tone this down, but I have to. My friends mean so much to me and their safety and reputations and credibility cannot be injured due to my loving to go out, at least, not in P Town. It's too small here to be accepted.

So, with that said, alot of down-time will be approaching, I can feel. Which, gives me the opportunity to put the finishing touches on my manuscript and have it shopped to publishing houses in the fall. On top of that, I'm thinking of taking my personality and writing to the next level. Not in a bar, but on paper for a local magazine in the form of a column. The idea and meeting is still in the works and non-official, but I would love the opportunity to talk beauty, fasion and image with a more bohemian, accepting audience.

Lastly, the chance to embark upon an adventure to The Domincan Republic has emmerged in late August set for the same timing as my birthday.

Lots of stuff besides dwelling on the hate my friends and I endured this past week.

One thing I've learned is that the more successful you become, the more you feel lonely. It's a classic case of being lonely at the top. But one thing: I found my love from all my friends and the super important individuals in my life. And to them, I owe my love for keeping me safe and protecting me from harm's way.

This week, hug someone you forgot about or have tossed aside and to all those you have gotten comfortable with: watch your tone! You don't want to lose them because when situations get ugly, they'll be the ones that save you.

In a very vague way, thank you for reading.
Joshua Ryan.

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and PS: I love you for reading and would love some prayer or mediations. June is gonna be rough.

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