Whew! It has been a week, darlings. Seriously. In so many ways, I've learned so much about myself this week. I've had a lot of time to think about where to focus all my attentions and where to focus all of my overall attitude about people in my life and relationships overall.
With the start of the week, I found myself dreading something that really urked me on the inside: my networking group. For two years now, just to fill you in, I have attended a once-a-week 7 a.m. networking group where we only send business to each member of the group. So, if you need a hairstylist, they send business to me.
Well, for the last couple months, we've had a hard time gaining momention, energy and progressive ideas. I constantly offered ideas and led through example and was being based behind the scenes in various conversations and eventually heard a trickle down through the grapevine through a staff member at my sister salon. Are you serious? Really?
My peer informed me of this rumour, this gossip about me? To boot: from an attorney.
That was it for me, I very cordially walked up the block to the sushi restaurant and plugged in my laptop and began writing my resignation letter from the group. Who could have imagined I'd be resigning from anything?
I never leave anything. At all.
As I started to type and place my list of contacts in my e-mail, low and behold, my friend and colleague Panda comes over and asks me to go on a walk with him.
So, recently, Panda found a place locally. I am so proud of him! Super proud! The sad part of all this is that as life is settling down for him, there is drama and scandal surrounding my poor friend this week as well. This said about him, that involving him, his Mercedes breaks down. Just lots of stuff. On top of that, he's been painting and moving new furniture into his new place and I've been the doting friend sitting there the whole time with drink in hand, watching him! LOL. Seriously, I stayed with him last week due to his car being out of commission or until he found a rental or a lender. I started to wonder if the staying over was really an excuse for something else. Did Panda just not like to be alone?
Anyway... he talked to me about his car, his co-worker drama and we came to the conclusion that people are jealous of us because we are young and talented and powerful young men. Who else our age makes the money we do, lives the lives we live and gets to just do what we want! We have it all, right?!?
As I returned to sushi and he back to work at the sister salon, I started to realize. We very much so have grown. From the time we fought about a month ago, to him moving in and me staying over at his houe and eating out and grocery shopping, texting each other on Facebook and making time to just talk about absolutely nothing at all: loneliness sucks. We were both avoiding this feeling like the plague.
So, that night came, I thought I'd stay home, instead. I was at Panda's again that night. Again, we went out for cocktails and this time including Boo Boo. Boo Boo is a co-worker of ours and a longtime friend of Panda's. We went for drinks at Park East where Boo Boo's ex was the bartender.
In our evening at Park East, I began to notice Boo and Panda talking and laughing and caloirie counting and talking about working out. Now, I work out by my self, and never boast about it because I, quite blatantly, do not have Panda's body. I'm not rock hard, nor will I be. I've accepted that. With each eyeroll, I felt myself get angry.. and then, angry to pissed.. and then angry to fuming.
So, I exited the cocktail lounge to rediscover that burning agony of loneliness. You know, the feeling me and Panda avoid like the plague?
Off to the next location we went since the cocktail lounge was closing. This time, boyfriend was tagging along as well as his homie friend and off we went. Boo knew I was mad, Panda knew I was mad, in fact, all of effing Facebook knew I was mad (bad move, Joshua)!
So, we get to the bar and I decide to ignore the group and buy my own drink. As I sat there and started thinking. Why was I so f--king pissed? Why was I so mad?
Was it really loneliness? No.
Was it being left out? Yes.
Why did I feel this?
Well, first off..
I exited the group. I separated myself out of attention and got know where.
It was absolutely annoying to me that no one was listening.
I found a few business acquaintances as I was heading to the patio to sit in this supposed loneliness..
I started talking and laughing and cracking up the table like nothing. But something was missing. My friends were misssing.
Panda came over, "What's the matter?"
I rolled my eyes, "nothing. Just go back to your besty over there!" I snapped.
"Oh God, Joshua! Really?"
I didn't reply. But as a gentlemen would have it, he introduced himself and let me be brat.
The evening came to a close when we decided to ship out to a third location on Boo's request. I wasn't done talking and now I was on fire!
As Boo and Panda walked into another bar, I walked up the street, took a corner and went to the same tacky Gay bar, I had so much complained about.
I tried to call Boo. Panda forgot his phone and as an hour went by, I noticed no one came looking for me. I texted Granty. No reply.
What was this jealousy I had about Boo and Panda? That they had great chemistry and here I am with chemistry deactivated?
My ego is huge! Madonna and Lady Gaga-style egos in my friendships have only worked so long before my friendships defuct over my huge ego!
As I walked home to Panda's place, I realized. I was hurt. I was really lonely, but my jealousy made a mess out of the evening.
They found me waiting in the lobby and chewed my ass and after a good ass chewing session between the threesome of us. I realized I was a jerk.
A lonely, jealous jerk.
she just wanted to spend time with her friends. And one was a jerk.
and Panda. Poor Panda. He had to share the same loft space tonight with the jerk that wanted him all to himself.
That selfish bastard!
Joshua, you sure know when to pick a fight, huh?
So, as I learned from all this. Exiting is good only when there is merit to exit like the networking group or gossip. But exiting sucks when people really are trying to have a good time. That's a "Debbie Downer", a "Johnny Raincloud", a buzzkill or whatever else you might call it.
So, with that said... as I look at life with me and my friend again this week, I realize why I am The Original Pretty Boy and why people would much rather know him than get involved with him on a romantic level: ego, jeolously and talk of loneliness are not hot or haute.
To my Panda, I adore you, love you and I'm sorry for being a brat again... ugh...
and to Boo-Boo, I adore you, love you and I'm sorry for being a jerk-off...ugh..
and to Granty.. why didn't you call me!! Just kidding.
I need a cocktail.. next blog..