Sunday, June 5, 2011

6.04 :: The Butterfly Effect in a "Sorry".

Good evening lambs,

It's a clear June night and almost midnight as I type this sipping a black cup of coffee after fleeing my parents' house this evening: that situation has rarely ever presented itself.

They were not fighting.

They were not rude.

They were not welcoming, either though.

In a time when I should enjoy my Sunday with my most trusted confidante, my mum, she was blitzed-tired and ready to sleep. My Guela was also there and my dad talking to my Guela. My sister went downstairs to the family room to watch TV and I was left on the couch to text to well, no one.

I for once felt incrdibly overshadowed by my family.

The most amazing situation presented itself ealier in the day when my uncle Jay came over and removed porn viruses from my laptops. Yes, you read that right! Porn viruses... I was a naughty boy for once and got caught in the act by cyberspace and have been without laptop for a week. Can you imagine?

Reliving comedy with Jay this afternoon reminded me of him living with us when I grew up and him moving to Pueblo with us and my house being warm and welcoming and when he left Studio J Ry today, I went to Casa de Cooley and the above scenario presented itself.

There was no warmth today, just a tired feeling. I literally spent less than 45 minutes in my old home and left. That NEVER happens and funny part was, it seemed as if no one gave a shit.

For me, I realized that the energy of "home" travels with me. If I'm at the salon, I try to bring that familiar warmth to my guest, if at Studio J Ry alone or entertaining, I bring the warmth for others. When I revisit Casa de Cooley, my parents' estate, it comes in with me... it also... unfortunately, must leave with me.

A situation presented itself at 3am this morning between Andrew and I. We had a miscommunication with a mutual friend that did not know me and contacted me. Me, in my sarcasam, misinformed the friend of Andrew's whereabouts and some might say, disclosed too much information. At 2am, I read Andrew's post on Facebook and he mentioned he was up and couldn't sleep, I posted "why".

I recieved a call..

I answered, "what's the matter?"

"YOU!" he said.


"Why are you talking about me? You have no business talking about me."

Long story short, Andrew expressed his distain for the situation and said the words, "And you're not even sorry, are you?"

Lambs, I rarely am.

My goal is to never make a friend upset, but it's like whoever talks to me that is mutual tells my friends another story and then, my friends call defensive... it's such a butterfly effect with me that at the end of most days, I'm very lonely.

The result of this 3am phone call was a "Coolness" between the pair of us and the understanding that Andrew does not live as public as I do. He does not like to be talked about.

I generally only talk about how awesome he is and how he's become a saviour to me when most friends have left me. He's been a standing force for the last couple years and he still is. This was the first real conflict we ever had and I don't wish to relive it. We are two strong personalities and I, in this case, did a bad. So, when I said I was sorry to him humbly, I was.

I was however miffed at the the little troll that ran his mouth to Andrew. That's never cool! I hate backstabbers... especially when it's someone that doesn't know me well.

So, to Andrew (if he's reading) I'm sorry for once. And to my family, I'm sorry for leaving today, but my warmth was on the fritz and did not travel well with me today.

For once, I felt ultimate loneliness at the thought of losing Andrew. I saw Jay today and saw what connection I had been missing for these past few years and when I was with my family, I thought, "What if I wasn't around as much, would they miss me like I'd miss Andrew and Jay?"

I miss Nasia. I have to admit though, I'm not in the mood for the drama or reconciling yet and it's eating a hole into my patience and friendships and family.

I wish she understood the butterfly effect and how it took one phone call, one accusatory text to end up as this lonely little blog where I reflect about someone not saying "Sorry".

So, for all of you like me that dont' say sorry... make it a point to get humble and say so, you'll lose alot of great people if you don't.


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