Hello my dear lambs,
How are you?
It's about 2am on Monday morning and I'm sitting in my office at Studio J Ry sipping a cup of coffee and contemplating resting and meditating and waking up to do it all over again tomorrow.
Alot of craziness has gone on in terms of people. I have recieved a couple phone calls from Panda, a couple texts and phone calls from Tish and have had some unexpected moments of just wanted to "lay low" for once.
As you may be aware, there has been a constant "wanting" from Panda to contact me lately. I said I never wanted to talk to him again and have ignored phonecalls and texts. Or they've been very plain and vague like, "thank you" and "fine".
Well, my curiosity was shot on Thursday evening as my phone rang close to midnight again... He always used to call me about 11 or 11:30 when we were hanging out heavy... I didn't answer. Instead of it all being over, he left a voice mail...
A part of me said, "Wait til morning."
The anxious part of me said, "check it."
So, like a child waiting for Santa, I snuck outta my office and dialed in to voicemail.
----"Hey Rockstar! It's Leon! Call me."
hmmm....... give in to temptation?
So, I called back.
I have to tell you, I wanted so much from the conversation... I wanted to like talking to him again, I wanted to feel the same feelings I felt before... but after all this, I couldn't.
I sat very still and answered very vague, just like my text messages...
"oh yeah. yeah. that's great."
"oh uh huh."
Not me at all.
It clued into me .... I was NEVER myself with him.
Just like this phone call. And as hurt as I was after the fact, is the way I felt for 15 minutes of listening to him boast about himself.
He ended our jilted conversation with, "I'd like to have you over... you're always welcome..."
Really? I thought.
"I want you to meet [my girlfriend]"
No Fucking way...
That invite was just plain wierd.
In all my illustrious vocab, all I can tell you is wierd. The feeling, the invite, the phone call, the intent behind the phone call: wierd.
I was hoping for a welcoming feeling inside and all I was left with was showing him and the rest of the Headlines crew how much I do not need them or any contact at all.
That's right . Not at all.
And with that... I shut off my phone and turned out the lights.
Alot like my many absences at local events, I've turned out the lights... it's time to lay low for a minute and come back with blinkers and LEDs...
With winter upon us and the constant harrasment fom the HLines group, I'm ready to go incognito and only have people over...
I'd rather not go out.
In the words of Greta Garbo, "I want to be alone."