6.02 :: Not interested... and that's okay.

Good evening Rockstars and Lambs,

I'm sitting in my office at Studio J Ry sipping a bottle of water after an afternoon and evening of hanging out with my parents. After tuning in for the climatic season finale of Celebrity Apprentice, I got in my car and zoomed back home to download Gaga's latest album, "Born This Way"...

The album is downloading as I type this. The Golden Girls are on in the living room and I sip-sipping my way to a night of relaxation and a manana of the same.

This week has been relatively busy on many different levels. This was, for once, a very slow week for me business-wise. Most of the downtown area was blocked off as of Tuesday to make way for the Wild West Fest. I was to be terribly committed in the salon this week and had been asked to help/participate at numerous booths and declined all offers Monday night. At the end of the week, I had 40% rescheduled guests due to not even wanting to play with parking issues and a serious annoyance with last-minute call-ins the day of their appointment or they called so late in the day that I could not even make a spot available for another guest. I took that as a hint from the universe that I was supposed to lay-low and hang out at home.

As it turned out, I was available to work on Friday representing my second home as a public personality: The PULP booth. The PULP is an independent/alternative publication I contribute for by writing my fashion and trend column, "Haute Mess" (you can see back-issues at http://www.pueblopulp.com/).

Surprisingly, I really enjoyed representing and helping out my team. I had never really involved myself and always thought of myself as a personality, and not a team member. This weekend, as much as I played the local celeb, I had so much fun participating and not being obligated to do anything except be me. They are one amazing group of people.

I had a mixture of night events that were not so great this week. Alot of people ditching out on me due to time-constraints, other obligations or just general "lack of interest".

I was at an event on Saturday evening that I walked with Andrew down to a tent event and could not handle the crowd. The scene was just not "me". Have you ever felt out of place so incoherently that you wanted to simply dissapear or run? That's what happened.. I hugged Andrew after twenty minutes of standing grumbily and excused myself, "Have fun with your friends" I said and dashed off.

As I walked off in the night down the street I call home. I walked silently and calmly back to Studio J Ry. My friend texted me, "I just woke up. So Sorry."

Poor thing, she had been working the festival too. I don't blame her for being tired. All my other friends had dashed off to other venues or houseparties (which do not peak my interest) and I began to text Andrew. Tears were in my eyes...

I texted him that I was sorry for being a bitch and that it simply wasn't my scene to accompany him that evening. My main concern was that I did not want his friends or him to think poorly of me for leaving. The truth was: I was being a bitch who thought I was too good for the crowd. I had an ego moment and my tears weren't coming from leaving, but from being a douchebag.

All of the hand-shakes, public acclaim and compliments had come to a screeching hault when I went to that event. I was no longer the star. Sure, there were some attentive goers, but I found myself saying, "this is not my scene and I hate it here" out loud.

I knew that this devilish person saying these things had to go. I had to go home. As I left, someone stopped me, it was one of Nasia's clients. She said, "I LOVE following you online, you look so damn good! I'm so proud of you.

Had she not heard about the recent falling out?

Once again, another Josh-Nasia falling out.

"I need to lose 20 more pounds", I said.

"you're being stupid! You're fucking hot!" she said. "Whatever you're doing, I'm proud of you."

I had seen an influx of my peers do things at this event I would have NEVER DONE. I don't represent something unless my heart is in it and for once since my time leaving Headlines, I saw myself cling to my own interest and not the interest of the salon. Janelle was working alone with her friend, mom and boyfriend in tow and I was merely, 'a public personality'.

I see me growing away from my peers and branching off into different interests. Interests that are my own, interests I don't wish to share, but wish to push passionately as a Kindergartener and say, "look what I did today!"

I saw that person as I walked away from Andrew's group. He was so sweet and his friends were too, but the event was not my interest (nor his, I heard the next day) and I've had to accept that that is okay. I did not want to work outside the salon because, frankly, feather extensions aren't my thing. I just want to make my clients happy... and there's nothing wrong with that.

I looked at my texts as I was about a block away from my doorway and saw a text from Nasia that morning apologizing for her outburst the week prior and began to write an e-mail. I deleted it.

I deleted her message and my reply and by the time I got home, I had planned out my response.

I was in the bubble bath listening to the live music just downstairs outside my window and re-read the influx of texts from friends, "you look good", "let's do bevs or dinner next week", "sorry couldn't make it."

And then I remembered the last text I got from Nasia saying we're different and have grown apart. I got up, got dressed and e-mailed my reply.

Maybe my interests have changed...

I have to understand that NOT all crowds, interests or previous co-stars are mine, we change. Change is scary when it's good and as Saturday turned into Sunday, I was terrified.

xoxo.
JRy

Dedicated to my favourite confidante Andrew. I'm sorry for being a picky-bitch and love you for hanging out with a picky bitch like me. ; ) x0x0-jry

Dear Lisa, you are a sweet co-star by far that I am adoring getting to know you. We all fall asleep sometimes. ; ) xoxo-jry.